Disclaimer: This post discusses some of my difficult struggles with anxiety and depression.
It’s a bad day. It’s an overwhelming day. We all have them, whether we admit it or not. I suppose a few are able to say that they have never been to a dark place, but I am not one of those lucky few. Today is hard.
It’s a day where closing your eyes feels like relief. Shutting down and being gone seems like it would make everything stop. The stress and worried thoughts that are on repeat would go away, but it’s not that easy and that is not the answer.
It’s hard to open up and admit I’m someone who struggles when it comes to being a mom and wife. I struggle with confidence and body image, but opening up about my other feelings is harder. On social media, you see smiling families and couples. You see perfect holiday photo shoots. Everyone looks perfect, because posting the flaws isn’t something that happens often. We always say “good for them” when someone opens up, but we rarely do it ourselves. So, I guess this is me saying I have flaws- so many flaws.
I have anxiety. My mind will put negative thoughts and worries on repeat. I cycle all of those bad thoughts over and over and trying to break that mental cycle is so difficult. I get depressed and feel worthless sometimes. It happens.
Wanting to Give Up Writing
I’ve had a love and hate relationship with writing and specifically blogging. I get so fed up and frustrated with the lack of support from my friends and family. It gets lonely being a SAHM and feeling like you’re only writing support and encouragement comes from an online community.
The blogging community is so amazing, but that doesn’t mean it’s always enough. It’d be nice to have a friend or loved one read a post without you posting it a million times or constantly reminding them.
When a blog doesn’t take off, it can be disheartening, but it’s not easy. You have to promote and work at it everyday. You have to be real and relatable. You have to put your all in to it, and sometimes that still doesn’t mean you can make a career out of it. At the same time, that doesn’t mean it’s something you should give up. As much as I try not to compare myself to other bloggers, it’s hard. Being a writer means repeatedly telling myself to keep trying. No matter what my college professors said, and no matter who is a daily reader, I love to write. The love outweighs everything for me. That love is what I tell myself I keep working for.
Wanting to Give Up Being a Positive Mom
Being a mom is the hardest job in the world. Today, I feel like I’m failing. I’m worried about so much, and I feel like I have no control. I feel powerless and like I’m letting my kids down. I cried in the shower while they kept asking if I was done yet. It happens. I’m not ashamed to admit it.
I’m worried about the little choices and decisions I make each and every day. Am I doing it right? Is everything going to work out? Are my kids eating right and at a good weight? Should my 3 year old start school like other kids his age or wait until next year? When should I take my daughter’s binky? Is their bed time too late? Should they be on the same schedule as their dad just so they can see him?
It’s a million questions that I keep second guessing. It’s one of those days where the moment someone else makes a comment or suggestion, it feels like a critique or judgement. The ones who do judge just cause rage that is covering up fear. There’s so much fear when the confidence wanes. Parenting feels like an extreme sport sometimes.
Parenting may be terrifying, but the moment that I can calm myself down and start looking at the positive things, I set my shoulders back and breathe. My kids are amazing. I’m a good mom. I’m a good mom. I’m a good mom. Saying it and repeating it help me get out of my head. That’s where these moments start- being in my head too much. No one tells you that this could happen. No one tells you that it’s okay to not be okay for a day. You have to remind yourself that your positivity might not always be consistent, but you just have to find your way back to that positive thinking and confidence.
Wanting to Give Up on Yourself
Sometimes, I feel like my husband would be better off without me. I’m a mess. One minute I love myself, the next, I am panicking about the fit of my clothes. I try so hard to keep the negative thoughts in. I try to keep my confidence up, but that doesn’t always mean I’m successful.
The one time I truly gave up on myself, I landed in the hospital. I won’t lie, being in the psych ward of our local hospital was the most beneficial thing to my mental health. It helped me regrow my confidence, and when I have moments like this, I look back and remember that I can make it. I can pull myself out of this.
My husband sticks by me while I yo-yo. He sticks by me while my moods shift and confidence goes for a roller coaster ride. He’s there to remind me that I’m doing the best I can, and he is there for me. The kids’ faces are also there to remind me that I’ve made it this far, so I can keep going. I’m their world, and that statement alone, makes these types of moments fade away. My family is the positivity that I’m grasping for, and sometimes, I just need to remind myself that.
Giving Up Is Not An Option for Me.
I can’t give up. Even when it feels like I want to, I don’t really want to. It may sound ridiculous, but what I want is to pull myself out of this funk. I want to love myself. I want to be a confident mom and wife. I want to love myself as a woman who has accomplished so much in her life. When it feels like I can’t do it, I just have to remember how much I want it. I want that positivity, and that’s what I’m going to get.
Just remember it’s okay to break down. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to have anxiety and depression. It’s okay to open up about struggles and mental illness. I know saying it’ll be okay doesn’t always give the comfort that we hope comes from it, but trying is the best that you can do.