Coffee Talks: Don’t Blame the Kids

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Recently, a very small incident lit a fire under me. Now, when I say small, I mean it didn’t get a reaction in the moment or anything, but it did inspire this post. It’s had me thinking for a few days. Just be warned this post is going to have some ranting and a whole lot of honesty.

So, I had a friend over who always brings a lot of tech stuff. She has multiple phones, chords, chargers, and what have you. When she got back home, she sent me a message saying her earbuds were gone. Instantly, she blamed my kids. She said they took them and hid them. I just rolled my eyes and said I’d look for them. I found them with the cat. She sent me a message later that night saying she accidentally washed them and had them all along. She didn’t look enough and just blamed my kiddos. It made me realize that my kids catch blame for a lot- even things far beyond their mischievous toddler ways.

My kids are not angels. They could make the strongest person crumble in a matter of hours if they wanted to. They have days where they are cuddly and amazing, but they also have days where they try to put the cat’s tail into everything. If my kids are catching some blame, being married and parent gets the rest of the blame. This goes beyond my kids misbehaving. This is about how my kids catch the blame for the bigger picture.

Let Me Break It Down

Raise your hand if you’ve lost friends due to changes in your life. We’ve all been through this, but the moment I said, “I do,” friends starting dropping like flies. Once we revealed we were pregnant, it was down to just us. A few stragglers said they supported us, but we hear from them maybe a few times a year at best. I’m okay with this, mind you. It’s like a garden weeded itself.

Things got even more deserted when people found out we wanted a bigger family. At first, everyone thought my first born wasn’t planned. When we told them that I had gone off of birth control on purpose, we became contagious with adulthood. We were no longer fun.

A few claim that being married and having kids isn’t to blame for their absence. They blame work or being busy. It is what it is. I know that I haven’t been full on drunk in almost 5 years and there’s a connection with that and loss of friends. My life changed, because it was time to grow up a bit. I wanted to stop partying and being reckless. I wanted a family and with that, our views changed. Don’t blame my kids or vows.

Different Lives for Different People

I know I have birthday parties and cookouts that are kid friendly, and people think that’s boring. I was married with 2 kids and a mortgage by the time I was 26. I know people who are the same age but are in completely different stages of their life, but that doesn’t mean either of us are wrong. We all adult differently. We view growing up differently.

For me, I wanted to slow down. I wanted to get healthier. I hardly drink, and if I do it’s a glass of wine or whisky once every few months. I also don’t eat out as often as I used to. We cook a lot more, and if we eat out, it’s usually take-out I can eat from my couch.

I usually don’t go to birthday parities, holiday parties, or cookouts that aren’t kid friendly. My kids and I are a package deal, and I like hanging out with them. Yes, I could hunt down a sitter, but I don’t always want to. I don’t want to watch people drink around a fire like I used to. I want to make s’mores and catch bugs with my kid. It’s my not kids’ or husband’s fault that we all grew apart. It’s my fault, and I don’t see that as a bad thing.

Look for the Positive When People Change

I’ve changed tremendously since college. I’m a completely different person, and that’s okay. I didn’t lose myself. I became who I wanted to be! I’m healthier, wiser, kinder, and more honest than I’ve ever been. I may be a bit more blunt, but I don’t have time for toxic situations or people anymore.

I used to chase people. I tried to please everyone and couldn’t stand the thought of making someone mad. I used to get physically sick if I was fighting with someone, but when I was a kid, that was not the case. I was bold and stood up for myself up until college. I lost myself during those 4 years, but now, she’s back and better than ever.

Having my husband and kids makes me feel strong. I know I can be independent, but I don’t want to be. I want to be a bundle. My husband is my literal best friend from my late teens. My kids are a feisty, wonderful combination of us both. So, when you say that I’ve changed because I’m a mom, you bet your ass I’ve changed, but I changed for me. My kids are motivation not something to put blame into. I decided what I wanted my life to be, and I’m doing my damnedest to make it happen.

That Snowballed

So yeah, I got a bit loud in my head as I was typing. Hearing my kids take blame for something small made me realize that the life I picked takes the blame for who I am today. I don’t think it’s fair to say I don’t go to a club or bar, because I have kids. I don’t go, because I don’t like most humans. I don’t like dark, sweat places with loud music. It’s just not scene. I’d rather take a drive with my family, go to a park, go play in creek, or climb trees.

I do miss dancing occasionally, but I can dance anywhere. I don’t need a plastic cup in my hand and people surrounding me. That’s what people don’t get. A lot of people assume the family life is dull. They think you don’t have fun, there’s no sex, and you’re no longer your own person.

I have a blast being a married mom. My sex life is the best it’s ever been. I’m also my own person. Having kids doesn’t suck out your soul, I mean some days it may feel a bit like you’re house is a war zone, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I am a mom. That’s a part of who I am. It’s something I’ve always wanted. It did change me, but it also brought out a part of me that’s been hiding away. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Take Your Blame Game & Shove It

I could rant and grumble about people’s opinions, but truth is, I don’t care anymore. That’s the biggest change that’s happened since I became a wife and mother. I’ll let you blame whomever for that one because it’s about time I stop caring what other people think.

I will say that I’m grateful for the friends I’ve made with this blog. I’m grateful for mom community I have found on here. Even the non-parents are lovely. Making friends as an adult is hard enough, because we grow apart with life changes. Appreciate your real friends. They love you for who you are no matter where life takes you.


11 thoughts on “Coffee Talks: Don’t Blame the Kids”

  1. You are so right! Life comes with changes. And some friends dont finish your journey with you they go on a different path. True friends love you as you, family, kids amd all because they are part of you! They bring joy and love, challenge you to be the best you that there is! You go girl!
    And you are right on it when you say those on here are amazing! Inspiring and accept you for who u are!

    1. Thanks so much for your understanding and kind words. I used to be so upset about changes, but everything happens for a reason. 😊😘

  2. know what’s funny? I got contagious with the ‘YOU DON’T WANT KIDS?? HOW DARE YOU?” syndrome. when i explain that it’s because of medical problems and that I don’t feel comfortable having kids and that neither me or my husband really want them right now, they understand eventually. But I still get asked by the same people to this day if I’m going to have kids. So I suppose it works both ways, the judgement anyway. I’m glad you’re living your life the way you want to and don’t let anyone else hold you back. 😀

    Plus, your happiness is more important than other people’s opinions.

    1. I would never judge someone for not wanting or being able to have kids. I had to have a hysterectomy and struggled to conceive my first two as it was. I’m lucky I was able to have at least them. If I didn’t have health issues, I may have started my “adulting” later in life. Thanks for the comment. It definitely works both way. 😊

  3. I can totally relate to your post in so many ways right now but you wanna know something I knew already but really learned it over time last year? It’s OKAY to outgrow people .. especially friends that you thought you’d be on the same level with forever !! You have every right to feel the way you do. Thanks for another good post Jenni !!

    1. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. It means a lot, especially when you understand where I’m coming from.

  4. I’ve been fortunate enough that those around me aren’t quick to blame my son for things (unless of course it’s germs 🤣). But you’re so right. And they’re just kiddos. Even if they did take it, even when they do anything, it’s not always with such malice as everyone first thinks. My son knocked over one of my art pieces this morning while it was still curing. It’s completely ruined. My first instinct was to be hurt and feel betrayed, as if he had done so out of malice or with ugly feelings in his heart. And the truth is, that little boy couldn’t harbor an ugly feeling in even his finger. They’re just kids. 💕 It was surely an accident. And it’ll happen again and again. We can’t be so quick to blame them for wrong doings they certainly didn’t intentionally do.

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