So, I came across this lovely Instagram account. This woman is a former fitness model, who now, helps women love and accept their bodies. She did a complete transformation from having an eating disorder to learning to love her body just as it is. I won’t lie, I cried.
I cried, because it made me take a look at my health journey and see what I’ve been denying. I was getting back into disordered habits of my own. I was calling myself fat, and I was doubling my routines to sweat more. I was going against what I preach, and I have been talking about it a lot.
I believe all bodies are beautiful, but I was starting to punish mine for not getting the “results” I thought I should get. It hit me hard, so I took a break this week.
Not My Kind of Results
A few weeks ago I was getting messages from a fitness coach. She started acting like she cared about how my day was, but then told me she wasn’t like the other fitness people who try to sell you on their program. Then, she said the one thing that lumped her in with the negative ones. She told me that when I wanted to see “real results” I should join her. That was the last straw!
If you are a fitness coach or make a living with a company selling health in a package, good for you. You’re a boss, and I’m happy you do what you love. What I don’t appreciate is being told my results aren’t “real” because I’m not losing a certain amount of weight. Everyone has their own journey, so don’t force my journey to look like yours.
The problem was that I was in my head and thinking the same thing as she was implying. I eat so much better than I used to. I’m very active, and I workout almost daily. I drink enough water to flood a small village, but I’m still this soft, curvy woman. It took a lot for me to realize that my body is a good body.
One of my amazing blogger friends shared a post I wrote called Not Skinny by Design. I reread it, and sure enough, I cried some more. It’s difficult for me. I’m very wishy-washy with my body and my confidence. Some days, I feel gorgeous, and others, I want to hide.
Overcoming my eating disorder was magical, but those intrusive thoughts still pop into my mind. Some days, there’s a mean girl staring me down in the mirror and fat shaming me. It’s hard, but I will keep trying to be healthy.
I want to work out but not as a punishment to my body when my confidence is low. I want to workout, because it’s good for me. I want to be kind to my body and not use the word “health” to disguise dangerous habits. I just need to keep myself in check.
Needed a Break
This week took a toll on me. I needed to slow down. I took a bit of a workout break, and I only did routines that were 10 minutes. I didn’t instantly turn my food over to check the calories. I just lived, ate, and took some much needed deep breaths.
Not working out plays a roll in my social media accounts, so I needed to find balance. I post workout selfies and body pictures, because I am an ambassador for a workout clothing company on Instagram. I want to keep promoting this brand though, since they promote strength and not sizes. At the same time, I need to do what’s good for my mental health.
This is where the inspiring Instagram woman comes in. She posts real pictures. She shows her body without being posed where everything looks just right. I decided that I needed to do something similar. I needed my confidence back.
I really wanted to see that my body is beautiful whether it’s full of stretch marks or not. I can take a picture where I have good posture and am able to show off my hard work from my at home workouts.
Pictures like this make me feel pretty good, but it’s not very realistic. I’m standing still, and while I’m not sucking anything in, I don’t look like this sitting down or anything.
So, I took a picture in my undies and sports bra while I was getting ready for my workout as well as in the outfit that I’m hoping to wear for Easter. The response was alarming. I received a few posts calling me a hippo, lard ass, or saying I was promoting obesity- they were deleted as soon as I saw them. Even though I did this for me and not the feedback, the rest of the responses were so uplifting and pretty inspiring.
The Pictures I Posted
I’m not posing to trying to show the slow progress of my belly after my workouts. I’m showing me, just curvy me. I still love fitness and eating better, but I needed to remind myself that I’m allowed to love my body at whatever stage it’s at while I’m on this damn health journey.
I want to be happy with myself even if this is what I will continue to look like. I wanted to stop chasing those dangerous skinny dreams I used to want.
Ending on a High
This week hasn’t been easy. I’ve had my emotions jump all over the place, but I needed a physical and mental break. My mind needs to stop being so hard on my body, and as hard as it was, I’m starting to love my curves more and more.
Like I said, my feelings about myself change a lot, so I need to keep myself in check. I need to stay positive and not step back into those disordered habits.
I don’t know how often I can post pictures that show my body in it’s everyday realness, but I’m hoping I can do it just as much as I show my body post-workout. I think we need to see more balance like that. I can pose and tighten my belly just as easily as I can bend over and let it all hang out. The challenge is learning to love both, but I love a good challenge.
Side Note: Next week won’t be filled with my internal ramblings turned into posts. There will be positive vibes, because I need some more spring cheer!